Fast Food War Files: Big Hardee & BK 99¢ Double Cheeseburger

Fast Food War Files is an investigative series on the wartime propaganda, battles, promotional offers and menu weaponry of fast food restaurants.

The War has reached a combative level not seen since the French Fry Crisis of the late 1990's. Perhaps exacerbated by the current economic crisis, both Hardee's & Burger King have recently created commercials attacking McDonald's directly on issues of quality and cost in the burger arena.

The Battle of Gut-buster
Big Hardee vs Big Mac (click to view weapon specs)

While watching USF beat FSU on Saturday (17-7) I saw this wartime propaganda from Hardee's.

The sound wasn't on at the sports bar where we were watching the game; it wasn't needed. The ad is a beautiful blend of snark and trash-talk, and believable. It made me question the current regime.

The BH stops the BM

The Big Hardee is a scorched earth policy on a bun and is cheaper than a Big Mac. The gluttonous feast of 3 smoky grease patties and (too-much) saucy gooeyness is sure to block the lower GI-track of any innocent civilian. The Big Mac's organized, bready, 2-patty dryness feels less like a wartime atrocity on a sesame seed. The big disadvantage of Hardee's is their lack of base camps from which to disperse this weapon.

The 99¢ Double Cheeseburger Conflict
BK Double Cheeseburger vs McDouble (click to view weapon specs)


Burger King
announced they will begin the "...launch of a highly competitive value proposition [HCVP]" at McDonalds' customers and the populace in general starting October 19, 2009. A HCVP is a compact device containing, "two flame-broiled burger patties of flame-fresh beef, crunchy pickles, ketchup, mustard and two slices of American cheese on a sesame seed bun" for only $1. Tipped off by a television commercial, this intrepid reporter was able to intercept a HCVP only yesterday in the Tampa Bay area. The receipt currently rings up "promo", though I don't recall the tv commercial source stating it was for a limited time.

This value burger race was intensified by McDonald's recent advancements with their value double cheeseburgers. Not so long ago, McDonald's upped the price of their double cheeseburger and created the "McDouble" to fill the dollar menu spot. The only difference between the two burgers being a single piece of cheese (That's right, one piece of cheese is worth appx. $0.20 retail). The streamlined McDouble represented a clear and present danger to Burger King.

Getting the most bang for your buck is important in war and food and BK wins this round. They provide a sesame seed bun, two pieces of cheese and crunchy, crinkle cut pickles and the ability to customize other toppings. Wendy's Double Stack is the non-security counsel member caught in the crossfire of this conflict.


MADD a Little Crazy? Introduces alcohol free line of drinks.

Everyone know there are consequences for getting drunk. Hangover, Cirrosis, walks of shame, a burning sensation when you pee, drunk texting, blackmail, death by vehicle. Commercials tell us to "drink responsibly" to avoid such problems, but we are all too often distracted by snow bunnies, party dogs, Slurms MacKenzie's gyratting, and ice trains bringin' frost brewed, natty ice-cold goodness to the football games to heed the advice. Because we didn't listen (oh God, why didn't we listen!?) there is one more consequence for all your drunken binges: MADD Virgin Drinks.

MADD announces an exclusive license agreement with Hill Street Marketing Inc. to produce a line of alcohol-free beverages, MADD Virgin Drinks, which will provide American consumers with a delicious and socially responsible alternative to alcoholic beverages. The line currently includes three virgin cocktails (Mojito, Margarita and Pina Colada), a virgin Lager & Lime, virgin Red and White Wine, and a virgin Sparkling White Wine.

Virgin red & white wine = grape juice, right?

The press release also mentions this fine line of products will be available for when you have the pesky social dilemma of being invited to a holiday BYOB party that's also a "family affair" and you don't know what to bring. I don't drink myself, but I'm fairly certain from years of watching television and movies, and being around my family that the answer is alcohol.

Now go drown your self pity in a beer and always drink responsibly.

DSC Sightings

Walked down to the bank today to conduct some budget business and found more discarded shopping carts about, also some Sandhill Cranes oggling peoples smoothies.

DSC sighted:

Cart #1.091809 & #2.091809
Origin: Costco & Linens N' Things
Distance from Origin: .1 miles, .5 miles
Found: Out back of the Suntrust bank, hiding in the shade from the hot Florida sun.
27°55'14.37"N 82°19'41.05"W

Cart #3.091809
Origin: WalMart
Distance from Origin: .4 miles
Leftover beer cans indicate the perp may have been guilty of Pushing While Intoxicated (I'll be here all week).

Cart Group#4.091809
Origin: WalMart
Distance from Origin: .2 miles
These carts were all stacked together by some unknown entity. They were put as close to the source as possible, maybe someone from across the street will notice them?

This has nothing to do with DSC, but it's a photo you can only get in Florida.


Anti-Piracy Video for Kids: Faux Paws the Techno Cat

What's a 21st Century kid to do? For too long (okay since mid-'05 or so), poor, innocent, unsuspecting (constantly sexting) kids have grown up into drunken, college students who post pictures of themselves doing keg stands when they're the underage, RA on-call, texting awkward late-night messages and inadvertently destroy whatever hopes they would have of being a productive, unemployed person living in their parents basement post-graduation. But what if only kids were taught about the "Three C’s of digital citizenship"?! They would stand a chance in the real world and not have their social akward moments ruin their reputations and haunt them for the rest of their lives.

What's that? You were not aware of the "Three C's" or that we are all "cyber-citizens" of "Internet City"?! You are part of the problem.

Luckily, iKeepSafe.org, a self described, "broad partnership of governors and/or first spouses [so one female governor and other governor's wives who aren't busy standing stoically beside their husbands at press conferences], attorneys general [sic], public health and educational professionals, law enforcement, and industry leaders [read: music & movie industry] working together for the health and safety of youth online [and to stop the hemorrhaging of cash]", is here to help!

The three C's are Cyber-safety, Cyber-security, and Cyber-ethics (Alternative prefixes deemed too dated for use: "E-", "VR", and "Techno").

One of the many cyber-riffic tools available to help your cyber-children understand just how cyber-scared they should be of a "series of tubes" and those who cyber-police it is, Faux Paws the Techno Cat! The cat and her kooky cartoon cyber-chums have not yet touched on proper etiquette for how to hold a rave or juggle glowsticks, but this most recent tale teaches students about, "the consequences of downloading music illegally". Kids are supposed to be shown by Faux Paw that illegal downloading is dangerous to yourself, your computer and your family.

You were expecting a long drawn out civil court drama weren't you? Here's what I learned from watching this informational video:

1) 0:48 - French cats are socially awkward and must be looked out for by a much cooler, talented USA cats.

2) 1:48 - Why couldn't Faux Paw just replenish his account balance? It's a penny.

3) 2:35 - Common Sense is your internet security. Seems Semantec & McAfee might disagree.

4) 2:48 - I have my own common sense humonculous in me? Sounds like a virus.

5) 2:50 - Peer to Peer = Dangerous.

6) 3:13 - Bulldogs and popup ads are pure evil. They just want to watch Internet City burn.

7) 4:04 - Cats don't have very high standards of music. They're all clamoring for the nondescript
jazz-stylings of Simon.

8) 4:25 - Viruses sound like Scooby-Doo monsters.

9) 4:49 - If you get a virus you will DESTROY THE ENTIRE INTERNET.

10) 5:02 - Firewalls destroy viruses?

11) 5:50 - Simon and Faux Paw live in the same house yet communicate via their computers. How else do you explain how Simon arrived so fast after FP was kicked offline?

12) 6:14 - When you steal a friends song, he doens't get paid.

13) 6:32 - When you apologize for stealing the song, you don't get forgiven, you just get acknowledgment of your admission of guilt.

14) 7:27 - Bella's a bitch.

15) 7:35 - Keeping you, your loved ones, and your free porn safe all hinges on your use of common sense.
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