Take My Wife, Please! - Super Bowl 44 Ads

It's about power - who's got it, who knows how to use it. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a Louboutin stamping on a man's face— forever.

I am now two months away from my one year wedding anniversary. My balls and spine have not yet been removed, sealed up in jars and handed over to my wife. I can leave the house (without express written permission from my wife) to hang out with my underemployed friends. I have occasionally accompanied my wife shopping, yet I don't hide out in the electronics department watching sports. I love Big Wife. Still I feel for my married brethren. The festering frustration of emasculated men all over these United States has finally spilled over into the mainstream consciousness via Super Bowl ads.

Poor bastard. Men need to rise up to turn the tide of power back in our favor. We put up with a lot of crap and get so little in return. It's time to make a stand, preferable by re-appropriating some compensating cliche symbol of a simpler time and of hope for the future.

Man's last stand? Let's not exaggerate here, Dodge. A shiny muscle car is not an end in itself, it's a means to get to an end- like a man cave at home or a secluded hunt camp in Georgia. Your hot wife can still be in the car as a passenger (a nagging, back-seat driving passenger! Amiright, fellas?!). Realistically she will be deciding where you drive "your" car. Like to the next Matrix Convention. He won't want to go. He will mention the post-apocalyptic, marauding gangs in search of Bridgestone tires, but she will just tell him to not worry his pretty little head about it.

See how the entire gang is like, "Aw, crap! Now this incredibly hot woman is our problem!" They know the nagging is going to start any second. If only they had those sweet, sweet tires instead of a woman. Smart guy, the driver of the car. He's a free man, driving the car he wants to drive with the last form of currency left on the planet wrapped around all four wheels.

The odds of that scenario playing out are slim, which is why a car isn't Man's Last Stand. It's really Bud Light. This magical hops elixir can give any man power over almost all women. Fellow men will welcome you as hero. Only a woman with intense control issues and a savior complex would be able to resist the one who wields the beer.

So fight on my brahs (they've even destroyed our slang with homonyms!) and find what solace you can in your fast cars, man caves, and beer consumption. Work towards a better future for all men. Raise up your children to be lone wolves, if it is men you wish had the diversified portfolios.

Carry on wayward sons, there will be peace when you are done. Once you've accomplished instilling your children with classic male societal roles celebrate your long "Journey to Comfort" by taking a nice, relaxing shower with Dove body wash. Cuz you deserve it, man.

Other stray observations:

Meanwhile the German's had a little schadenfreude fun by playing into ultra-conservative fears by offering us a glimpse into some sort of Liberal Fascist regime where Cheap Trick songs have been reworked. Beware the Green Police! Buy an Audi! I mean, damn. I expect all Tea Party members to be driving Audi's by Tuesday.

  • Mini Kiss + Kiss = Excellent.
  • If I go to Denny's and spill a free Grand Slam on my pants, then I'll enter the Dockers contest.
  • The Intel commercial would have been funny if a they actually had a sentient robot.
  • David Letterman FTW.
  • Yes dear, we'll go to Universal Studios once they open the new Harry Potter park, but I'm pre-gaming with Bud Light.
  • Somebody at Bud Light must have read my review from last year... T-Pain finally made an appearance as the man putting the last nail in the auto-tune coffin.
  • Male influence hasn't disappeared yet: 1) Fiddling beaver in hot tub with human women!? 2) GoDaddy.com's usual tomfoolery. 3) Free Willy Bachelor Party. 4) Doritos. 5) Meagan Fox in the tub.

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