Science Confirms Cats Manipulative A-holes

Being repeatedly woken in the mornings by her cat's incessant purring to "haz bwekfest", the sleep deprived Karen McComb, Behavioral Ecologist of the University of Sussex in Brighton, U.K., complained to fellow feline fanciers about it and found they too were being pulled from dog like sleep by their purring cats. McComb realized a potential cat conspiracy, wondering why it was she and others got up to feed the fuzzfaces instead of backhanding them into the wall, rolling over, and going back to sleep. A study was born; got to love science.

The results show cats, "modify their signature sound when seeking food, adding a higher-frequency element that exploits our sensitivity to infant wails--and thus making it harder to ignore." The louder the element, the bigger sucker the listener. 75% of the volunteers in the study picked the solicitous purr as more urgent and upsetting than the regular purr of the same cat. Thus proving cats are indeed manipulative assholes and train unsuspecting owners to do their bidding. The study is due to be released tomorrow in Current Biology.

The Conspiracy Extrapolator

The Conspiracy Extrapolator pulls back the veil on conspiracies at all levels by taking keywords from top news sources'* headlines and running bleep-blop, flashy-light algorithms on them as a virgin is sacrificed to the alien overlords (who are not at all thwarted in their endeavors by your tin foil hat).

Headlines:

Warning over ‘gung-ho gardening’ – BBC News

Ground is broken for White House ‘kitchen garden’ – AP

Working in the Garden This Spring? Watch Out for Buried Gas Lines, The Gas Company Warns – Marketwire

Colorado woman with flammable water fears blast - AP

Facts:

• “Gung-ho” is a transliteration of the Chinese words Kung and Ho meaning Work and Together. The term was introduced as a training slogan in 1942 by US Marine officer Evans F. Carlson. It is the slogan of the
  Chinese Industrial Cooperative Association.

• Michelle Obama oversaw, “Twenty-six elementary schoolchildren wield[ing] shovels, rakes, pitchforks, and wheelbarrows …”.

• “The students will be brought back to the White House next month to help with the planting, and after that to help harvest and cook…”

• Amee Ellsworth can turn on a faucet…flick a lighter and water flames shoot up from the sink.

Report:

Operation Fire Water has moved on to Phase II following successful testing in Colorado. Using the guise of a “kitchen garden”, the fountain on the south lawn is being retrofitted for further testing by the military in the secret, underground base beneath the White House. Expect to see further activity on the south lawn to cover up the testing.

Outwardly the White House is acting to ensure China sees us as an ally when World War III occurs, in much the same way as during World War II. We appear to be adopting their populist, agrarian methods and child labor practices as a show of goodwill and compliance to the fine print addendums found in the last round of loans.

The “garden” preparations also help to ensure future generations of Americans (or “Chinese Citizens”) will know how to raise an angry mob to defend their tiny villages against monsters.

*Including, but not limited to: The USAToday, NY Times, Chicago Tribune, LA Times, Reuters, High Times, The Hollywood Reporter, Christian Science Monitor, Google News, AP Strange News, and Beckett Price Guide.